Here we go again…

December 2012……

I knew exactly what was happening,  I knew this miserable feeling all too well.  Anxiety and depression had been creeping up on me for a couple of months.  I had put it down to the pre-Christmas rush-around and the fact that I had recently changed jobs from working 3 days a week to 5.  It got to the stage where I couldn’t go to work without taking Valium to help my anxiety.  I was still on anti-anxiety meds from my last bout of illness but nothing was working!  It was so close to Christmas, surely I could make it through and enjoy a few days off to rest and recover.

But something new to me was about to change my life.  On what would become my last day of work, I came home for lunch and ‘something’  just came over me and I became actively suicidal.  I had decided I couldn’t go through ‘it’ again.  It felt as if I wasn’t myself … but I was telling myself what to do and how to end it all.  How fortunate for me that in my altered state of mind, time had stood still.  I had returned to work to complete the last 2 hours of my shift, came home and sat down with pen and paper.  How devastating for my darling hubby to come home from work  to find his wife writing him a suicide note!  I will never, ever forget the look on his face, the tears of his anguish and our shared desperate feelings of helplessness.  I don’t know whether subconsciously I knew hubby would be coming home, whether I would have taken all those pills or not….  All I do know is that I was glad my hubby came home to a wife who was still alive!  I finally let out all the details of just how poorly I was coping.  He knew more than I thought I had let on… he usually does.  There and then I promised that if I ever felt that way again, I would call him or someone, anyone to help me.

We decided that I wouldn’t return to work as I felt that was the reason behind my decline.   I had had a very heavy workload for the last few months and I just needed time-out.  I was pretty numb and upset with myself for the next day or two but then Christmas would be upon us and …….

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Christmas!  I take special pride in taking time to think about the gifts and wrapping them as nicely as I can.  I love spending time with my family and this year we were hosting Christmas lunch at our house.  We were Blessed with a beautiful day, a table full of yummy food, swimming in the pool and having fun…. I should be having the time of my life right?…..except I felt ‘wrong’.  I was irritable, anxious and really trying my hardest to make the day an enjoyable one for all, but feeling like I was failing. I was exhausted!  Too many people, too much noise,  I couldn’t keep up the facade much longer.

I know people say ‘just pull yourself together’ – but this is the last thing a depressed person needs to hear.  With all my might, I was trying to keep strong, push through and yet not only was I not improving, I was actually heading downhill at a rapid pace.   I started the dreaded jerking movements again and then things spiraled out of control.  My mind was catastrophising and I was telling myself that I was being poisoned by the meds all over again.

I made an emergency phone call to my psychiatrist and was admitted back into the private clinic on New Year’s Eve 2012….

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