Homeward Bound

It’s amazing how much ‘junk’ one can accumulate over a period of 3 1/2 months!  But the car was loaded and I was on my way home…

As happy as I was to be home and also for my family to finally have me home, we knew it was going to take some adjusting for me to settle back in.  There had been major changes in the household since I had been gone.  My son’s girlfriend had moved in and I was anxious as to whether or not she would and could accept me or even understand what I was going through.  I needn’t have worried as she is so loving, compassionate, understanding and non-judgmental.  I know that she has brought love and companionship to my son, but she has also brought the same to me.

It took a good two weeks for me to settle in.  Spending days alone in the house, having to prepare my own breakfast and lunch, trying to fill my days with distractions to keep my anxiety at bay….  I was really struggling.

I have promised myself that no matter what, I get up every day and shower and do at least two jobs around the house.  These are usually just tidying the kitchen/family room and running a broom over the floors.  I find on some days I can do more and may manage to get the washing done.  The amount I can do totally depends on how dizzy, off-balance or jerking I am.  Unfortunately, some days I can only manage to shower.  These are the days that I am so exhausted, my muscles are so weak that my legs are like jelly and the only respite I can get is to spend time in bed.  I hate this 😥

I have continued to see my Pdoc weekly and have had adjustments in medications in an effort to help.  He tells me that my recovery will take a long time.  I also see my GP regularly and he sets me small goals and I try with all my heart to achieve them.  Sometimes I am successful.  I had a community nurse who was very unreliable and have recently started with a new one, who so far seems wonderful. I see a chiro and physio weekly also as the muscle tension from the jerking is painful.

My life since returning home has been up and down.  I have had good periods where I have managed to spring clean the formal lounge and dining rooms (and finally take down the Christmas tree).  I have been able to go to the shops with hubby and keep all of my appointments.  I have even driven my car on a handful of occasions.  🙂

Unfortunately, mostly my days have been a struggle.  I am on some pretty heavy meds and I find my sleeping pattern is not so great.  I normally don’t wake until 9-10 am and it takes me an hour or so to ‘get it together’.  I hate showering as I am so unstable that I have to hold on to the shower head or support myself on the walls.  I cry anxiously at the thought of even putting myself through this some days.   I hate the feeling of water on my head!  I spend my mornings in bed on my laptop, staying connected with the outside world via facebook and emails.  I then try to get up and shower and tidy up if I can.  As I cant drive at the moment, all of my appointments are booked for the afternoons so that hubby can take me.  He encourages me at every opportunity and reassures me that I can and will get better.  But the little demon in the back of my head is always worrying or catastrophising in an effort to hold me back.

My thyroid is still out of control and I now see a new Dr for treatment.  She has introduced a new thyroid med to my regime and I am not really noticing any benefits yet.  It is supposed to help with energy and depression. She also has me on HRT in an effort to help.

I am receiving excellent medical care – why can’t I get better?

I have so much support from loved ones and friends.  But I have withdrawn and avoid connecting with most as I know how much they want to hear that I am progressing and even feeling well again.  I find it overwhelming to say how poorly I am doing and how unwell I am.  I feel I am letting everyone down.  It is better to avoid these discussions as they distress me too much and that in turn distresses the people who care for me.  But lately I have opened up more to the special people in my life who phone, email and text me.  I know they only want for me to be well and are not going to stop supporting me.  In some ways this has been the catalyst for this blog.  I can let it all out and no-one can hear my broken voice and crying.

The thing I find difficult to accept is that when I am having a good day, usually the following day is not so great.  I know, two steps forward and one step back. But I will never give up the fight to keep moving forward….




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