Goodbye Sunny

Yesterday morning about 11.30 am, Sunny was sitting outside on her favourite plant (as she always does) and she let out two almight high pitched screams. I have never heard anything like it. At first, I didn’t realise it was her, but Gary did and ran out to her.  I yelled out to see if she was ok and Gary said no, she had been bitten again.  The reaction was instant, she couldn’t even stand up.

Gary grabbed her and we raced into her room and I injected her with the epi pen.  She had instant loss of bowel control and as I grabbed a towel to carry her, she had a seizure in Gary’s arms.  We raced her to Murdoch Vet and as we turned onto Vahland ave (2 streets away) she stopped breathing for about 30 seconds.  I thought she had died in my arms.  Then all of a sudden she started panting at a frantic pace and I was begging her to just hold on.

By the time we raced into the hospital, she had picked up slightly and Gary put her on the floor and she took a few steps and lost control of her bowels again.  They rushed her in and her blood pressure was extremely low and she was drooling.  Her heart beat was faint and irregular.

The vet nurse raced took her away from us to another vet and when the other vet came in, we had to decide whether to pay the thousands to save her again or to let her go and put her to sleep.  Both Gary and I were sobbing.  We simply don’t have the money to do this time and time again.  If we paid to save her, she was never allowed out into our garden again or go for walks.  They told us that if we took her home, it could happen again tomorrow and the next day and the next.  They said that it was more than likely that we would find her dead in the garden one day.  We explained to the nurse how sick I was and that watching her every move at home would be an enormous stress, not only to me but to our family as Matt is always in and out of the back door.

The nurse then said there may be another option.  Murdoch Vet hospital has a programme for dogs like Sunny where they re-house her with a vet nurse who would meet the criteria to adopt her.  Such as living in an appartment or small villa with no garden, only paved back yard and plants only in pots.  The nurse had to make the phone call to see if Sunny could be taken on into the programme they call HAART.  I don’t know what it stands for.  They said yes, they would take her.

We had to make the heartbreaking decision to surrender her to Murdoch vet hospital and sign papers that promised to rehouse her and not euthanase her.  We would pay for the consultation and they would cover all the medical costs to save her yesterday.

Gary couldn’t see her again to say goodbye as he was devastated.  I had ten minutes alone with her to say my goodbyes and it broke me completely.

We left, came home and packed up all her stuff.  It was agony.  I was fanatical, removing all traces of her… the little sticks she brings in, her feed bowls even her shampoo from the laundry cupboard. We packed EVERYTHING she owned, all but one of her little beds.  We took everything back down to the hospital about 5pm, but neither of us could go in and see her again as we knew she would be happy to see us and think we were bringing her home.  She had been on drips and medication to stop the reaction.

Matt had been away for the weekend and we had to go through the trauma of telling him.  But the hospital had been so caring, they said Matt could go down to say his goodbyes no matter how late he got home.  He went down at about 7pm and he said they had put her favourite toys in with her and he held her for about 10 minutes.  She was happy and licking him.  OMG this is so hard to write.  I asked Matt to take a picture of her for me, but I can’t look at it yet.  They reassured Matt that she would be going into the best of care and that three nurses there were already wanting to take her.  She will go home to live with a vet nurse who has access to treatment for her if this happens again.  They had already told us that each time this happens, it will only get worse.

I haven’t been able to stop crying.  The funny thing is that on Saturday night, we had decided she could now sleep in our room as she was crying and barking all night when we put her in her room.  She had slept the whole night through and was so happy to be with us.

I am SO angry with the world right now.  Angry that we didn’t have the money (she has cost us over $4,000 in three months), angry that I probably couldn’t cope if it happened again either getting her to hospital or having her die in my arms.  And I am angry that we just cant have anything go right in our lives at the moment. What the hell have we done to deserve all this heartache?

We didn’t stop crying all day/night and cried ourselves to sleep.  I feel so bad making this decision.  We will never see her again.

I have lost my baby girl. I just want her home where she belongs, but I know this will never happen.  Gary keeps telling me not to look back, we have made the decision and it can’t be changed.  One of the things on the surrender form is that we wouldn’t ask to have her back.

Gary has taken today off work to be with me.  I am crying, but just feel numb.  I just have to believe that she is going to someone who can care for her and love her as much as we did.

We would have celebrated Sunny’s 6 month birthday on September 2nd.  We had her for 3 1/2 months….

We love you with everything we are baby girl. xxxx

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Lyme Poem

Thank you to my wonderful FB friends who truly understand and offer so much care and support xx

One tiny bite

From one tiny tick

Is all it took

To make me so sick

Exhaustion and depression

Not to mention the pain

Have me questioning

Whether I’ll ever be well again

I long for the old days

When I could laugh and have fun

And experience real joy

For now I have none

It’s a struggle to get up

To shower or walk

I twitch and I stutter

I struggle to talk

My brain is confused

My memory is mush

I mix up my words

When I talk in a rush

I try to stay positive

I hope and I Pray

That when I wake in the morning

I will have a bit better day

At times it is so hard

I just want to give up

But I choose to see half full

In my ‘sugarless’ tea cup

Terri Ford   🙂

Tired of Fighting

I am so tired.

Tired of fighting this fight.  Tired of trying to explain myself and my illness.  Tired of people telling me “I should just pull myself together and get on with it”.   Tired of being controlled by my good or bad days.  I am tired of laughing one day and then sobbing uncontrollably the next.  I am just so tired of it all…

Since starting on antibiotics almost two weeks ago, I have had nausea and shocking headaches.  Some days I ache all over and find it hard to walk with painful joints.  My depression has severely worsened and is taking me to the darkest of places.  I am spending more time in bed because the fatigue is overwhelming.  I cry for no apparent reason.

But in amongst this last two weeks of misery, I have had four wonderful days.  Days that I would count as being the ‘old me’.  I have driven to the shops, done food shopping, housework, visited family and had energy and motivation.  I have to hold on to the memory of these days to remind myself that I can and will have these good days again.  These memories keep me from giving up.

I suppose I just can’t understand how my moods can be so up and down.  I have been told that it is all part of Lymes and that I need to be kind to myself on my bad days and not overdo things on my good days.  It is just that when I have a good day, I want to fit so much into it and feel ‘normal’ again.

And I worry for the strain that this is putting on my darling hubby.  He never knows which wife he is going to come home to each day.  He is under so much pressure and works so hard.  I feel so guilty that my mind and body just won’t do what I want it to, so that I can do more and take some of the pressure off him. On top of this, he shows me continuous support, affection and tries his hardest to brighten all my days.  I know he cries for me.  Most often when he is alone, but also when we cuddle and our frustration bubbles over….  I know he is tired too.

ok‘Stephen Fry on the friends that count’