Tired of Fighting

I am so tired.

Tired of fighting this fight.  Tired of trying to explain myself and my illness.  Tired of people telling me “I should just pull myself together and get on with it”.   Tired of being controlled by my good or bad days.  I am tired of laughing one day and then sobbing uncontrollably the next.  I am just so tired of it all…

Since starting on antibiotics almost two weeks ago, I have had nausea and shocking headaches.  Some days I ache all over and find it hard to walk with painful joints.  My depression has severely worsened and is taking me to the darkest of places.  I am spending more time in bed because the fatigue is overwhelming.  I cry for no apparent reason.

But in amongst this last two weeks of misery, I have had four wonderful days.  Days that I would count as being the ‘old me’.  I have driven to the shops, done food shopping, housework, visited family and had energy and motivation.  I have to hold on to the memory of these days to remind myself that I can and will have these good days again.  These memories keep me from giving up.

I suppose I just can’t understand how my moods can be so up and down.  I have been told that it is all part of Lymes and that I need to be kind to myself on my bad days and not overdo things on my good days.  It is just that when I have a good day, I want to fit so much into it and feel ‘normal’ again.

And I worry for the strain that this is putting on my darling hubby.  He never knows which wife he is going to come home to each day.  He is under so much pressure and works so hard.  I feel so guilty that my mind and body just won’t do what I want it to, so that I can do more and take some of the pressure off him. On top of this, he shows me continuous support, affection and tries his hardest to brighten all my days.  I know he cries for me.  Most often when he is alone, but also when we cuddle and our frustration bubbles over….  I know he is tired too.

ok‘Stephen Fry on the friends that count’

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