Acceptance

I am upset a bit this morning as I have just got an email for my blood results that Dr D made me have in December.  This is the second lot I have had to send overseas (they went to Germany again) to be tested for something that was missed on my original testing. I have tested positive for another co-infection of Lyme disease.  It is so hard to see it written in front of you in black and white. Yet another bug in my system doing it’s damage.  Getting these results is like another kick while I am down.

You know, the stupid thing is that I am still in denial about the Lyme. Even though I have had the positive results for months, I am struggling to accept that I have it.

Some days I feel that I am going to die from this. I wish I had the strength to turn my thoughts around on these bad days and say I am going to win and whack all these bugs until they die off and I am right again. I feel so tired all the time. I don’t know where I would be without Matt and my hubby (especially Matt) reinforcing that I am going to beat this. I have to. I want my life back. 

Two weeks ago, I started on my first anti-biotic and felt quite good.  I had some good days and was over the moon.  My protocol is one week on/one week off the anti-biotics.  This week off has been hell.  I have had a major herx and the jerking has been extreme.  I have been bed bound for most of the week, unable to walk properly, jerking and a shocking headache along with tummy upsets.  My body feels like it has been thrashed from side to side and I am exhausted.  My mind feels shattered from the depression and anxiety which amplify when I herx.

I restart the abx tomorrow and introduce the second one.  Of course, my anxiety is running rampant but I am reassuring myself that I didn’t have any problems going on the first one, so this second one should be ok too.  I just hope it doesn’t induce another herx.

I was determined to push through yesterday as I had about 3 hours of feeling semi-decent.  I decided to tackle the ironing.  Luckily, there was only a small amount.  Standing and wobbling, I managed to get it done.  I draw inspiration from many people.  This time it was someone I know who has been in a wheelchair all his life.  I told myself that this person has never known the joy of standing and I should be grateful that I can.  But I chuckled as I know that he would not have wasted his time standing doing the ironing 🙂

I also managed to do two loads of washing and hang it out.  It made me realise how much I took my good health for granted.  I would grizzle about doing these basic chores before I got sick.  Now, I recognise these as huge accomplishments.

Unfortunately, my window of opportunity ran out but I was so happy to have a couple of hours where I was able to do something productive.

av88

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