Alone and Lonely

Firstly the good news.  When I last wrote, I was having an awful week (which I thought was herxing) but in fact, turned out to be a terrible reaction to an increase in my anti-depressants.  The day after I reduced my dosage back to what it had been, the symptoms virtually stopped.  It was wonderful!

Since then I have been having some really good days.  My depression and anxiety were well controlled and I managed to get things done without any jerking etc.  Bliss 🙂

Now welcome to my pity party…

I have just started on my third cycle of anti-biotics and they have hit me hard.  I am definitely herxing as a herx brings out and amplifies the worst of your symptoms.  In my case, that is the D & A and also fatigue.

My depression has manifested itself into how alone and lonely I feel.  For a year now, I have been isolated and withdrawn.  I have lived this year in my house and a good portion of it in my bedroom.  I think this, along with the fact that I am no longer able to just jump in my car and drive has me focusing on all that I can’t do and all that I have lost from my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I make myself drive once a week.  I am a good driver and I can’t understand why it makes me panic so much.  I never drive out of our suburb and when I arrive at my destination, I am usually trembling with anxiety.  Although, on my good days it is much easier, it is never something that I enjoy.    If I could drive freely, I would be able to visit my friends and have social contact again.  Instead, I am stuck at home, spending my days alone and feeling oh so sorry for myself.

I wish I had more visitors but I totally understand that people are never sure if I am having a good day or a bad day.  Sometimes I would just like a friend to pop in and not worry about how I am feeling. Hug me if I am crying and sad or laugh with me on a good day. Maybe I have withdrawn so much, that my friends don’t feel that they can do this anymore.

The reality is that life goes on for my friends and they have busy schedules and problems of their own that they need to deal with.  I  also think a big issue is that I am so stubborn and don’t want my friends to see me so down.  I don’t want to tarnish their happiness with my problems.  I don’t want them to see me as a miserable-guts, so I don’t make contact with them even via phone calls.  Maybe I need a kick up the bum, after all, true friends love you warts and all don’t they?

I have wonderful email contact with two very special people and this helps immensely.  One lives over east and the other lives way, way up north of the river and she herself finds it hard to drive, so our contact and friendship is maintained via our daily emails.

I know this won’t last forever.  My only hope is that my friends will still be there, waiting for me to emerge from this illness and will be happy to pick up where we left off.

Not a happy post, but just telling it how it is for me at the moment.  Pointless drama….



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Claire Wellington.
    Feb 14, 2014 @ 14:16:59

    Hi dear Terri,

    I have just read your post and I wanted to say of course your friends will and are still there for you possum.
    Stop being so hard on yourself Miss Terri, you are well on way, on this journey of yours, weather you realize it or not.
    Just keep doing the best you can, that is all any of us can do, one day at a time.

    Some days the hill seems much steeper than other days for all of us to climb for what ever our reasons may be for us, but don’t give up now you have come to far and just keep thinking what that view will be like when you DO REACH the top of that hill Terri. It is going to be just awesome. Remember you are one day closer to the top of that hill than what you were yesterday.
    The rewards are yours for the taking.

    Enough of me raving on I just wanting to let you know, you are never alone.

    Thinking of you often, sending you a big hug from over hear in Victoria (Doreen)

    Bye for now,

    Claire Wellington (One of your Facebook Friends)


    • Terri Ford
      Feb 15, 2014 @ 11:16:22

      Thank you Miss Claire xxx I am trying so hard to be strong but I feel so weak and discouraged it drags me down. I have to hang on to the thought that I will have good days again and after all this treatment, I will be ME again. I just hate knowing that this will takes months and months.


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