Happiness then Torment

This day last week I was happily playing housewife and today I lay tormented in bed wishing for an end to my existance.

How fast things can change.

Last Monday and Tuesday were fantastic days for me!  I even drove my car and ran errands without a care in the world.  But it was my week on Roxy and and an increase in Trim (both abbreviations for anti-biotics) that has put me back in the middle of an horrendous herx again.  I can only describe it as being at the top of a roller coaster feeling the elation of freedom and then ‘whoosh’, you go flying down to the bottom and the ride of happiness is over.

I started to feel myself going downhill Wednesday night and by Friday, I have been bed bound again.

I have reached my full dose of Roxy and I take this week on/week off.  I am now on my week off since yesterday.  The Trim however, I am ramping up and I think I have probably gone too fast, even though I am adhering to the schedule my LLMD gave me.  I take this every day.  I have decided not to increase the Trim until I have some good days again.  I can’t pray for these days to come fast enough.

Herxing is horrific for me because it multiplies my depression to the point of absolute despair.  I can barely stand with the vertigo and walking takes so much energy because I am so unstable.  My jerking has been so bad that on one occasion, Gary believed I was having a seizure and wanted to take me to hospital.  It lasted less than a minute, but left me extremely tired and scared.  It scared the hell out of him as well.  On top of that, the headaches are consistent and my brain feels hot and tingly.

I have improved slightly today, but the tears still flow and I am still chronically fatigued.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  Although I have been suffering with the anxiety and depression for well over a year now and it doesn’t respond well to psych medication, I am grateful that I am on the right track to healing even though it is so harsh and complicated.

Matt has been a tower of strength for me and said that the ‘real’ me is the person I was last Monday and Tuesday.  I know I have no option but to go through the herxes as this proves that the bugs are being killed off.  He is insistent that I will return to the ‘real’ me once I am further into my treatment.  I have seen him go through it, so I have hope that I can be rid of  this shitful disease, but my results might take a little longer to achieve.

I find it very hard to accept that I am in this predicament.  I fight it all the way.  I have been told that accepting it makes it a lot easier to deal with, but I haven’t reached that stage yet.  I am still grieving the loss of ‘me’.

Anyhow, I had the most wonderful news this week.  My MRI showed that my brain tumour has only grown by 1mm over the last year.  How amazing is that!  My visualisation of healing white light to cure the little bugger must be working! It had been growing at about 3mm a year since they went back and discovered that I have had it for 4 years.  So, I am on watch and wait again until I have next year’s MRI in March.  Woo Hoo 🙂

I have been inundated with well wishes, encouraging emails and have had a couple of visits from lovely friends and these all help to lift my spirits.  I have received some amazing, inspiring gifts and I would like to thank each and every one of you for caring. xxxx

When we were in America, I surprised myself by going on the rides.  It was an amazing family holiday and we had so much fun.  Matt keeps me going with the promise that I will return to being that well again.  Oh how I laughed and felt exhilarated back then.  So this post’s photo is my inspiration and a private joke between Matt and I as we laughed at Gary’s face all day LOL.

Matt trying to act cool, while I loved it and Gary's face says it all...

Matt trying to act cool, while I loved it and Gary’s face says it all…