Fighting for my Life

Sitting here thinking whether or not I should write this blog entry…..  I suppose I am feeling a little bit of everything – anxious, embarrassed, frustrated, feeling judged – but mostly vulnerable for putting myself out there for all to see.

But I am writing this blog for me.  To keep a record of how my journey unfolds as I battle through this insidious disease.  I know some people follow and read my blog out of curiosity and some out of genuine concern.  I am always grateful for the support I receive, but I have come to realise that I really am alone in this fight and at the moment I feel like I am in round 8 and should have thrown in the white towel in round 5 or before.

This is the round where I desperately want to give up and say “you win”!  I know logically why I am feeling like this, but it doesn’t ease the pain and frustration.  Each time I think that I only have to overcome one more obstacle or persevere for a little longer before I find some peace, I get hit with an upper-cut and fall to the mat again.

Round 8 and it is another change in my psych meds.  Another attempt to get me on something that will help ease the depression and anxiety so that I can attempt to move forward with my lyme treatment.  Over the last week, I have come off my mood stabiliser as it obviously wasn’t working.  I did this extremely quickly and it has really hit me hard.  I have a week to go until I see my psych and the plan is that I will come off my current anti-depressant for two days and then start on the new one.  From there, it is anybody’s guess as to whether I have finally found something that can help me.  I hope it does, I am running out of options.

My LLMD has pulled me right back on the dosing of  Lyme meds.  I am not to increase again until I am ‘stable’.  Ha ha!  I can’t remember the last  time I was ‘stable’.  I am not alone in my struggle with the psychological affects of  Lyme though.  In one of my groups this week there was a thread with many people suffering through the same agony.  I replied that it is ironic that taking the meds (anti-biotics) that will eventually heal us, makes us want to end it all before we can get to that point.  

I hope I am not out for the count and can one day write my final blog entry…… And they lived happily ever after ….