Fighting for my Life

Sitting here thinking whether or not I should write this blog entry…..  I suppose I am feeling a little bit of everything – anxious, embarrassed, frustrated, feeling judged – but mostly vulnerable for putting myself out there for all to see.

But I am writing this blog for me.  To keep a record of how my journey unfolds as I battle through this insidious disease.  I know some people follow and read my blog out of curiosity and some out of genuine concern.  I am always grateful for the support I receive, but I have come to realise that I really am alone in this fight and at the moment I feel like I am in round 8 and should have thrown in the white towel in round 5 or before.

This is the round where I desperately want to give up and say “you win”!  I know logically why I am feeling like this, but it doesn’t ease the pain and frustration.  Each time I think that I only have to overcome one more obstacle or persevere for a little longer before I find some peace, I get hit with an upper-cut and fall to the mat again.

Round 8 and it is another change in my psych meds.  Another attempt to get me on something that will help ease the depression and anxiety so that I can attempt to move forward with my lyme treatment.  Over the last week, I have come off my mood stabiliser as it obviously wasn’t working.  I did this extremely quickly and it has really hit me hard.  I have a week to go until I see my psych and the plan is that I will come off my current anti-depressant for two days and then start on the new one.  From there, it is anybody’s guess as to whether I have finally found something that can help me.  I hope it does, I am running out of options.

My LLMD has pulled me right back on the dosing of  Lyme meds.  I am not to increase again until I am ‘stable’.  Ha ha!  I can’t remember the last  time I was ‘stable’.  I am not alone in my struggle with the psychological affects of  Lyme though.  In one of my groups this week there was a thread with many people suffering through the same agony.  I replied that it is ironic that taking the meds (anti-biotics) that will eventually heal us, makes us want to end it all before we can get to that point.  

I hope I am not out for the count and can one day write my final blog entry…… And they lived happily ever after ….






2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Monika Smith
    Apr 11, 2014 @ 19:49:16

    My dear friend Terri
    – you have proven yourself to be such a strong woman. You have already been through so much and I know how you must be suffering. You will beat this horrible disease and then we will go out and party!!!
    Always here for you and thinking of you every day.
    Much love


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