Progressing Slowly

I have been quite withdrawn and laying low whilst I am going through this med change.  It has not been an easy road and I haven’t had the inclination to write.  My moods have been very up and down, totally frustrating and upsetting me.

My new anti-depressant is a very old type but I do think it is having some positive effects and seems to be helping.  I started on 25mg and have increased by 25mg every fortnight.  I am currently on 100mg and expect another increase this week.

I had a fantastic week when I started on 75mg.  I was more active, motivated and importantly, happy.  I met up with a couple of friends who came to support me during Lyme Awareness month and they both commented that I was the best they had seen me in ages.  Unfortunately, it didn’t last and I crashed again after that first week.

My mood remained low even when I increased to 100mg for the first week.  Then last week, I picked up again and was able to do more than usual and I even managed to drive a couple of times on my own.  But as usual, when I am feeling well, I seem to overdo things and yesterday I came crashing down with a huge thud.  I am emotionally and physically spent.

I am also discovering a new emotion which I think I have had buried deep inside of me…. ANGER!  Yes, I am angry that this is happening to me and that I have been so sick for so long.  Angry that my recovery is taking so long.  Angry that I have had to put my lyme treatment on hold until I stabilise on my new anti-depressant.  Angry that I am a burden on my family.  Angry that I am not the person I want to be…. independent and carefree.   I am angry about a lot of things lately.  I am angry that we live in a black spot for mobile phone reception.  Being unable to even send an SMS this week saw me throw my phone from the front door into the family room!  Now, that is probably anger bordering on rage, but I just lost it.  Luckily there was no damage to my phone.   I don’t know if this is a stage in my recovery or why I am feeling like this.  I know anger is one of the stages of grieving and in some respects, I am grieving for the life that I used to have….  Maybe it is just something that I have to work through.

But my anger has also produced a few funny incidences.  I get my words mixed up when I am pissed off about something and that can be amusing in itself.  I went mad at Gary this week because he accidentally killed one of our beautiful kangaroo paws whilst he was using round-up on the garden weeds.  From the most beautiful of plants, it is now a grey skeleton of itself.  Gary tried to convince me that there was a possibility that it would miraculously spring back to life, but I had to set him straight and tell him that the “fucking plant was D E D , dead!”  His spontaneous laughter was contagious and we both laughed our heads off.  For anyone that knows me will know that 1: I rarely yell at Gary and 2: I do know how to spell 🙂  And of course my darling hubby is now using that to cheer me up and make me happy.  God I love him!

Even though I am quite down today and am having a day of rest, I am glad that I can look back on what has mostly been a productive and positive week.  This is just another lesson I am learning…. not to overdo things.  I somehow believe that I am just going to wake up and be well again, when the truth is that I have a long way to go yet and there will be plenty more good days and I am sure the bad ones will sneak in there also.  I just have to pace myself better and be kinder to myself.

Every tomorrow is a new day….




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